The continuing devastation of the elderly and disabled in Nursing Homes is constantly in the news. In some states, upwards of 40% of the Covid-19 deaths have been from the NH population. Statistics – just a jumbo of numbers. Meaningless unless it directly impacts you. What follows is a tale of one person – my wife.
In the winter of 2018-19, my wife’s dementia overwhelmed her. On February 12, 2019, she was hospitalized. On February 22nd, she was transferred to the rehabilitation floor of a NH. Rehab didn’t help and she continued to deteriorate. Finally in April 2019, she was transferred to the NH floor. Her deterioration continued until she was severely impaired such that she could not even feed herself.
During her time in the NH, I left work each day at 3:30pm and arrived there at 4:00pm. From 4:00-5:00pm, I did for her what the aides did not have time to do. At 5:00pm we went to the dining room and I fed her dinner. At 6:00pm, I kissed her good night and watched as she was wheeled onto the elevator to return to the NH floor.
That continued everyday for over a year. On March 11, 2020, I was advised that the NH was no longer allowing family or friends to visit. No outsiders including the hairdresser, food deliveries and entertainment would be allowed into the facility. They were on lock down.
At 6:00pm on March 11th, I kissed her goodbye. It was our last hug, our last kiss.
On April 5th, the NH sent out a letter which said in part:
The nursing homes have been mandated to accept all residents to open beds. As of now, we do not have residents that are positive for Covid-19.
On approximately, April 10th, I received a call from her NH physician telling me that she had a fever of 100.1 and they were going to do the virus test. Her blood oxygen was at 95 and she was otherwise not in distress. We spoke at length about the possibility of this being the virus and what should be done if she reached the point of needing to go to a hospital and be put on a ventilator. He felt that she would never survive that. I felt that she should not be tortured.
The next day, a nurse called to let me know that she did not have a fever, that she was out of bed and in her chair. They were still waiting for the test results.
On April 11th my daughter face timed with her, as best she could. A one way event. All was well. The staff let her know that they were keeping the Covid-19 patients on the 2nd floor while she was on the 3rd floor. They were doing the best they could to entertain and keep the NH patients involved.
On April 16th, the results of the test came back NEGATIVE. We breathed a sigh of relief and life – as it was – went on.
Beyond severe dementia and limitations from a stroke 8 years ago, she had no real health problems. Her lungs, kidneys, liver, blood pressure and blood work of all sorts were all good. She previously had the flu vaccine along with the pneumonia shot. When many in the NH had the flu last season, she did not. I don’t believe she even had a “cold” during the whole time there.
Four days later, on April 20th at 9:30am, I received a call from supervising nurse telling me that she was in severe respiratory distress and on oxygen. I did not understand what I was being told until she asked me for the name of the funeral home. I gave her the name of the place where I had made pre-need funeral arrangements.
I immediately called my children and then alerted the funeral director.
My two children and I were each able to face time with her and say good bye.
At 3:45pm, a mere 6 hours later, I received a call telling me she had passed.
Her funeral was delayed until yesterday April 20th due to the number of deceased ahead of us. The funeral homes and cemeteries are overwhelmed.
There were significant limitations on her funeral. Much of the normal religious traditions were stripped away. No gathering at the funeral home. No religious service before the actual funeral. It needed to be a graveside funeral. A maximum of 10 family members were allowed. I refused to allow my children or other family members to endanger themselves. Only two dear friends and our religious leader attended in person. We were not allowed out of our cars until the workers had lowered the casket into the grave and left the area.
Some cemeteries don’t even allow that. A friend’s mother went directly from the NH to the funeral parlor and then into the grave. No service, no family, nothing.
Our graveside funeral may have seemed limited, but over 125 people across the US, Canada and France attended by ZOOM. Each of my children were able to speak from the heart.
Friends and family cannot come to my home to pay their respects and give a hug. The calls have come in endlessly. I set up a Zoom event for family to gather shortly after the funeral. Although, devoid of physical contact, we were still able to be together, share stories, cry and laugh. Later, a religious service was also by Zoom.
A new world – a sad world.
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